


Being Evil is Not Easy

by sunflower_swan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff without Plot, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:27:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26447794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_swan/pseuds/sunflower_swan
Summary: Lord Voldemort is not having an easy time. Luckily he finds a few new friends to help him.Or, how the Dark Lord plans to take over the world with bunnies.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 27
Collections: HP Crack!Fic Fest





	Being Evil is Not Easy

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to FangQueen for organizing this fest!
> 
> Thank you to antsha_lora for the AMAZING prompt! I immediately loved the idea the moment I read it and knew the fic needed to exist. I hope I brought adequate words to your idea.
> 
> Thank you to the rockin' betas: NightRaven789 & runnin_manatee
> 
> I don't own these characters. I just like to play with them.

Lord Voldemort’s Birkenstocks crunched through the frosty grass on the hard winter ground. Flecks of frost settled on the toes of his black crew socks, and goosebumps erupted on the back of his neck from the cool air on his bald head. 

He slowly strolled, deep in thought, through the gardens of Malfoy Manor. The rescue of the blood-traitor Weasley patriarch happened much too quickly to disregard as a lucky chance. No, something - or someone - else must have been at play.

No matter. Soon the bravest and most noble of his followers would be rejoining him - the plan was already in motion. Convincing the dementors guarding the wizard prison to join the cause was all too easy.

One other thing was also going right: Cornelius Fudge was a cretin with a penchant for keeping his head in the sand. And as long as the Ministry continued to ignore the blithering antics of Dumbledore, all was well.

The Dark Lord gently clasped his hands behind his back, and rolled his yew wand between his nimble fingers. He could not shake the memory of the battle at the graveyard on the night of his rebirth. It had haunted him for months. The boy’s death should have been simple from the beginning. Too many mistakes and oversights had been made where Harry Potter was concerned. It was imperative these blunders and miscalculations not continue.

A rustle in the shrubs to his right brought Lord Voldemort’s attention back to the present. He stopped his contemplative walk and held his wand aloft, pointing it at the disturbance in the bramble. Another rustle, and out hopped a...bunny?

He tilted his head to the side as he considered the animal. The grey-brown creature had very long, twitchy ears, and the fluffiest little white tail. It had been many years since he had seen a rabbit.

_ Growing up in Wool’s Orphanage as a child was not easy. He was different - he knew it, and the other kids knew it. Despite not understanding his powers, he frequently used his special abilities to control and manipulate; to bend circumstances to his favor. Billy Stubbs had it coming and needed to be taught a lesson. His beloved pet was the perfect vehicle in which to exact revenge for what had transpired between the pair of them. _

The wild rabbit took a small hop toward the Dark Lord. It turned its head and blinked, then took a slightly larger hop forward. 

Lord Voldemort followed the bouncing path of the animal with his wand until it came to a stop at his feet, where it wriggled it’s nose. He lowered his wand to his side, knelt one knee down into the frosted grass, and held his palm out to the small mammal.

The bunny sniffed, then licked his open palm. It’s tongue was velvet smooth and tickled.

“Well, hello there.” The Dark Lord chuckled. He slid the knuckles of his fingers over the bunny’s head and down it’s back. “Hello, my fluffy friend.”

The bunny placed its front paws on Lord Voldemort’s leg and winked a round, copper-colored eye up at him. 

Without a second thought, Voldemort scooped the animal into his arms. The rabbit nuzzled into the crook of his arm, and he stroked its velutinous fluttering ears.

“Come with me, my friend,” the Dark Lord purred.

_ What does one need in order to keep a rabbit? _ He wondered to himself as he made his way through the gardens back to the Manor.  _ Perhaps Lucius would know. He bred and raised those brilliant peacocks after all. _

Lucius was standing on the terrace when Lord Voldemort ambled up, still delicately caressing the bunny.

“My Lord,” Lucius said with a reverent bow. “What, uh...what do you have there?”

“Lucius, meet Mr. Fluffers. Mr. Fluffers, this is Lucius, our gracious host who will know everything you need to be the happiest bunny in Britain.” The Dark Lord looked at Lucius expectantly.

Lucius slipped a curious glance at the bunny resting soundly in Lord Voldemort's arms. He squinted and said, “My Lord?”

“Where are your manners, Lucius? Say hello to Mr. Fluffers,” Voldemort snarled and pointed at the bunny in his arms.

“Eh...hello, Mr. Fluffers.” Lucius gave an awkward wave.

Mr. Fluffers took no notice of him or his rude behavior. He continued to snooze, snuggled in Voldemort’s arms.

“That’s better. Now,” the Dark Lord resumed petting Mr. Fluffers, “Mr. Fluffers will need a place to stay. Some manner of sleeping quarters fit for his gentle species. I was hoping you might be knowledgeable in that area. You did after all breed and raise extraordinary white peacocks; I surmise you have skill with special creatures.”

Lucius was so vain, manipulating him with flattery was always too easy. Exploiting people’s weaknesses to get what he wanted was the skill Lord Voldemort was most proud of. Even if Lucius didn’t actually know anything about rabbits, he would act like he did. Or else he will face the unending wrath of his Master.

“Y- Yes, of course, my Lord! Just, uh...come inside,” he gestured toward the door, “and I will get it sorted right away.”

Lord Voldemort nodded to Lucius as he moved past him and into the house. Lucius raised an eyebrow and scratched his head as he followed.

“I will be in my chambers. I expect Mr. Fluffers to have a proper place to stay by this evening, Lucius.”

Lucius stared dumbfounded, as his Master swept up the marble staircase.

His spacious chambers featured a king-size four poster bed with silver silk curtains, a turn-of-the-century writing desk, and a large wardrobe. The ensuite included a jacuzzi bath, which was his favorite part of the whole setup. Nothing quite compared to a long soak after a hard day of plotting to take over the world. Now, he had Mr. Fluffers to help him, too.

As he entered his room, he closed and locked the door, then slid out of his Birkenstocks. He crossed the green shag carpet, pulled back the canopy curtains, and set Mr. Fluffers on his satin bed covers. With a heavy sigh, he fell back onto his comfortable pillow-top mattress.

Mr. Fluffers hopped onto his chest, and stared down at him with wide eyes.

“It’s not easy, you know. Being evil. It’s not as easy as people think it is. People think it’s easy, but it’s actually a lot of work.”

Voldemort absent-mindedly stroked Mr. Fluffers’ head. Mr. Fluffers remained silent.

“I have this plan, you know. And, my followers are not unintelligent or without imagination, but I still feel like all the responsibility of the execution of the plan falls to me.

“And now I’m working on busting some of them out of prison. No, don’t look at me like that. It’s not what you think.

“Ok, maybe it’s exactly what you think. But they deserve so much better than a dreary prison cell. And the success of the Grand Plan hinges on them being by my side.”

The Dark Lord closed his eyes. Bellatrix Lestrange, Antonin Dolohov, and Augustus Rookwood, among others, would be here in a few short days. Then the plotting and planning to destroy Harry Potter could commence.

Lord Voldemort and Mr. Fluffers fell asleep. The Dark Lord dreamt of a new world without magic stealing muggle-borns or blood-traitors. Mr. Fluffers dreamt of the world’s largest carrot and cabbage garden.

~~~~~

The breakout from Azkaban went off without a hitch. Malfoy Manor had been deemed the central base of operations for the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters. And his growing bunny farm.

One bunny was not enough. No, Mr. Fluffers needed bunny friends. Lord Voldemort oversaw the construction of the magnificent bunny palace himself.

It was situated in the gardens right outside his bedroom window. In this way, he could gaze upon the elegant structure, and his world-dominating-rabbits-in-training every night before bed. Mr. Fluffers was afforded the special honor of his own soft bunny bed on the floor next to the Dark Lord’s. Being the Dark Lord’s first bunny, he was, of course, the Head Bunny in Charge.

Lord Voldemort was sitting outside the bunny palace, enjoying fluffy cuddle time with his favorite friends, when Bellatrix sought him out. 

“What is it now, Bella?” His voice was like ice.

“My Lord,” she bowed low, “may I join you?”

He looked at the dark-lidded woman with disdain. “Why? You made your feelings about my bunnies very clear already. Why now do you make an effort?”

Her face betrayed her feelings to her Master. It was clear to the Dark Lord that she was simultaneously overcome with a desire to be near him, and also repulsion at the horde of bunnies he had accumulated. She didn’t understand, and he grew weary of explaining.

“Master...I was wrong to question your infinite wisdom. I judged too quickly and harshly this bunny, er...thing.”

“Bella,” he growled. “Arrange a meeting. Tonight. Mandatory.”

“Y- Yes, my Lord. As you wish.” Bellatrix bowed and left him.

Lord Voldemort turned his attention back to the bunny in his arms. “I’d rather hang out with you anyway. You’re by far cuter than Bellatrix, and way better than filthy stinking muggle-borns.

He scratched between the bunny’s eyes with his index finger, and added in a high pitched voice, “Yes, you are!”

~~~~~

The Death Eaters assembled around the Malfoy’s large fancy dining room table. The Dark Lord sat at the head of the table. Severus took the seat closest on his left. On his right sat Lucius, it was his home after all.

Lord Voldemort leaned his head against the high backed dining chair. Mr. Fluffers lay in his arms, and he gently smoothed his hand across the bunny’s back as he looked at each of his Death Eaters in turn.

Severus wore a confused but intrigued expression. This was his first visit to the Manor since the creation of the bunny palace, though he had assuredly heard of it from the other Death Eaters. The Dark Lord probed into Severus’ mind and found no judgment there. Good, Severus.

At the end of the table, Wormtail looked disgusted at the adorable creature in Voldemort’s arms. A couple weeks ago, Lord Voldemort had caught Wormtail in his animagus form, inside the bunny palace. It seemed he was attempting to communicate with and infiltrate the bunny horde.

Unfortunately for him, the Dark Lord had trained his bunnies well. They did not trust the rat from the beginning. Wormtail barely escaped and still had a few scratches from the encounter.

Bellatrix sat a couple chairs down from Lucius, next to her sister Narcissa. They appeared to be in a heated and hushed discussion. Lucius noticed their Master watching the sisters, and nudged his wife. Bellatrix and Narcissa instantly turned their attention to the head of the table.

Now that he had everyone’s attention, Lord Voldemort stood. He looked at Mr. Fluffers with love and determination in his heart.

“I have a plan.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! I was going for a Dr. Evil with Mr. Bigglesworth from Austin Powers vibe in Voldy.  
> This was my first attempt at Crack - let me know if I pulled it off!
> 
> ***
> 
> **This work is part of the ongoing HP Crack!Fic Fest 2020.**
> 
> Please feel free to leave kudos/comments for the author here, or on our communities at [LJ](https://hpcrackficfest.livejournal.com/)/[DW](https://hpcrackficfest.dreamwidth.org/)/[Tumblr](https://hpcrackficfest.tumblr.com/).


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